Siapa Yang Akan Memujukmu?

(Untuk A.)

Aku tidak tahu apa yang bermain di fikiranmu
Aku tidak tahu gundah apa yang ada di hatimu
Aku tidak tahu apa yang mengganggu lenamu di malam-malam hari

Yang aku tahu,
Kamu punya Tuhan yang selalu ada untuk kamu
Yang sangat dekatnya Dia
Saat kamu sujud merendah kepadaNya
Yang tetap mendengar segala rintihan meski dalam diam
Dalam bisik yang tidak terungkap
Dan dosa-dosa yang terhapus
Untuk setiap kesedihan dan hiba yang hadir di jiwa.

Jujur
Aku ingin sekali hadir disisimu
Memeluk erat dirimu
Membiarkan saja kamu menangis dibahuku
Dan melakukan apa saja yang kamu mahu
Kerana kamu ternyata begitu indah
Saat kamu tersenyum menampakkan gigi yang tersusun rapi

Tetapi aku sedar
Aku masih belum mampu untuk itu
Untuk hadir di malam-malam sepimu
Menyeka tangis di matamu
Membiarkan kamu lena dalam satu pelukan yang panjang

Kerana itu saat ini, saat sendiri aku bersama Tuhan ku dan Tuhan mu
Aku meminta agar Dia menjagakan kamu
Dari segala apa pun yang bermain di hati dan fikiranmu
Semoga tidurmu lena bersama jagaan para malaikat

Aku hanya inginkan kamu bahagia
Meski dengan aku
Ataupun dengan yang lain.

Fi hifzillah.

Permudahkanlah ya Allah. 
Jangan Engkau persulitkan.

I had a dream of you last night and it makes me cry.

Another day. Another pain.

Seems like something bad happen to the sky today. It looks like it's gonna rain. Is it crying for another lost soul today?

Home - Tablo playing in the background from my phone. I didn’t know I could be this broken.

“Now I cry without tears

Just like breathing, I cry again

The sadness that became a home

Though I try to take a step out, I cry at the doorstep

I cry, without me knowing”

Today too, the weight of the world pinned you to the ground. It makes you breathless. Crawling. You try to stand but only ended up on your knees.

“Crying is easy just like breathing

The more you hold it in, the more you let out”

You want a break from the world but the world wanna breaks you.

There's something calming about the rain. It feels like the world is crying with you. Telling you that you're not alone. That everything's gonna be okay. If it's not okay, it's not the end, they say.

“Inside my sadness that became my home,

Can I invite you in?”

when it rain
it feels as though
the sky is crying
with you
trying to console you
in it’s own way
and perhaps that’s why
I hope for this rain  
to never stop.

One message received.

"Akhi. There's ikhwah that would like to give you some help. Can you just contact him? He hope that you can keep your focus on study and to keep going in this DnT."

Sometimes, the kindness of a stranger is much more powerful than the hatred residing inside your heart.

Stab my chest.
Pull apart my heart.
Cleanse me with your soul.

"O you who have believed, repent to Allah with sincere repentance. Perhaps your Lord will remove from you your misdeeds and admit you into gardens beneath which rivers flow [on] the Day when Allah will not disgrace the Prophet and those who believed with him." (At Tahrim, 66: 8)

.........

Rintik Doa.

i
Pada tiap rintik-rintik hujan yang menyentuh tubuh
Ada titis-titis doa yang ikut turun bersama
Mendamaikan hati yang keresahan
Memujuk diri bahwa janji Tuhan itu pasti.


ii
Kerana pada langit Tuhan ada jiwa yang saling merindu.
Tempat doa-doa bertemu.
Lantas menjadi rintik-rintik hujan.
Mendamaikan hati yang sedang resah.

I would have loved to travel the world with you.

I would have loved to travel the world with you.

i don’t like long journeys.

i can’t stand crowds.

my head starts to ache if i stay out more than 30 minutes.

but somehow if it’s you

no, it must be you

even if it’s an endless journey

i believe i’ll be fine

as long as your by my side

walking hand in hand.

but then again

you’re not mine

and will never be mine.

Story of Someone I Know

I'm not sure you're reading this or not. But I hope you do.

Tonight. I'm thinking about you again. But you don't know.

The last post on your blog is about how much you struggle last year during paediatric posting. About losing yourself. Insanity.

If loving you is madness

Then I don't want to be sane.

Believe me. I know exactly how does it feels like. I was the same when I first started practical in HUKM. Falling into a state of anxiety and depression. Insomniac all the more. The world is a pitch black darkness. The room is your only safe place but at the same time also a prison. All four walls feel like caving in. The only sanctuary is the corner of my room. Believe me. I even slept in the corner of my room. The wall became my place where I wrote jumbled up words. Just like in prison. It hurts when you're alone. When you wanted to reach out to someone but you just can't. Simply because you didn't know how to put things into words, into forms that could be easily understood. How am I supposed to make others understand me when I couldn't even understand myself.

My greed gets bigger without even knowing

I hope my existence reaches you.

Sylvia Plath would has said something, like being in a bell jar. Breathless. Chest pain. Gasping for air. Asphyxiated. You wish you would just fall asleep and to never wake up again.

I keep on fallin. Deeper and deeper.

But hey, i'm doing fine right now. Not as totally fine but still good enough to be breathing around. I still need my medication sometimes, even though I defaulted my psychiatric follow up. Heh.

“Are you okay?’

“Yeah. Still breathing at least.”

And you. This will pass too. This pain will definitely end.

Oh, by the way. I think you're looking prettier these days. I don't think you lose your innershine though. Everything about you is beautiful. Even the heart that's beating.

If you're struggling right now. Just know that you're not alone. Be brave enough to reach out to someone. Loneliness is a scary thing. It breaks you into a thousand pieces of insecurities. I’m not gonna say things like, I’m here for you when I know I’m not the one. But if you need someone, you can come to me.

Like John Green wrote, “The world is not a wish-granting factory”. And you know this better than anyone else.

I like your writing. Whenever I’m down I would go through your post and there will always be bits here and there that just made my day. You should be a writer. I hope you will continue to write a lot more after this.

Words can save people sometimes.