Mood Swing #1

At KTM Salak Selatan, I’m sitting on the bench. Watching the train passed by. I’m not even sure for how long I’ve been sitting here like this.

Am I going somewhere?

No. I’m not going anywhere. It just felt stuffy inside my room. I need to get out. Get some air. So I decided to come here.

I’m losing my mind.

Why a train station?

Well… I’m not sure. Maybe some kind of influence from Murakami. The way his character just sit idly on the bench watching people enter and exit the train. Going off to work. To somewhere. A routine.

I wanted to go someplace, somewhere people don’t know my name.

Give me solitude.

So how are you feeling? Is it great?

Nah. I’m not sure about what I’m feeling. Alexithymia. About anything. I’m just sitting here blankly like this. I’m seeing but not seeing anything at the same time.

It might have been different if you were here by my side.

I want you.

But you’re not here and will never be.

Did you arrived home safely?

I took a step forward. Standing on the yellow line. I wonder if I jump from here the moment the train is in front of me, what would happen? I would crash into the train. Crack. The sound of broken bones. My body will be underneath it, being drag all along the rail. All of my inside, my organs would be splattering. Splatter party. What a horrible way to die. And you would be lucky enough to die on the spot. If not, it would be one hell of a torture.

You keep on wanting to play the role of a tragic hero. No. A helpless heroine would suits you better.

Where’s my prince charming?

You’re no Kaneki Ken.

“Tragedy isn’t popular nowadays.”- Uta

I took a step backward. No. Not today. Not as long as I’m still breathing the same air as you. The air you breathe.

I’m fine even if I can only see you from far away. Your smile, my salvation.