This is What Normal Feels Like

I’m trying…

not to give up

not to trigger

not to kill myself

to try again.

How are you today? No matter how much you’ve come to hate yourself, I hope you make it through for another day. I’m here. For you.

This is a warning.

Aku dalam gelap. Yang ada keliling aku hanyalah 4 dinding, yang no matter how much I try to break it, it won’t bulge. Tangan aku dah merah, luka, berdarah. It hurts. It hurts so so much like I’m going to die.

There’s water dropping from above. tick. tick. tick. Like the clock’s ticking. And with each drop, it feels like my head spinning. Like there’s a spring being wind up inside my brain. Turning and twisting, churning up every single bit of my neurons.

The water continues to rise. Right now, it’s already at my chest. I’m drowning. Bit by bit. Struggling for air. Should I continue to try to stay afloat? Or should I just drown myself right here, right now with all the endless regrets.

Currently self destructing.

This is a dream. Just another dream. The pain that I felt, only numbness that left. An embolus is in my chest. Blocking my airway. I’m breathless. Air! I need air. I need to sleep and wake up into reality once again.

You deserve better love.

Ke mana lagi langkah yang harus aku tuju? Bila yang aku nampak depan aku cuma kegelapan. This is it. This is the end.

I’m not a genius. Never was. I just work harder than anyone else when it comes to studying. Then you enter medical school and you realize you are at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to knowledge. Too much to read, too much to practice and your brain overload. You never knew where to start from and end up screwing everything.

My moment of madness.

I’m a perfectionist. OCD maybe. I never was content with myself. I expect myself to do better each time. I expect myself to be able to answer each question, to be able to do physical exam perfectly. To be able to get out of my bed. To be able to get out of my head.

It’s because you’re not ambitious. You’re just lazy.

Are you okay?

Am I okay?

How am I supposed to know I’m okay or not?

My body, it doesn’t come with a guideline.

“Why am I so messed up like this?” My head asked me.

I’m not sure. You know, that kind of feeling when you knew there’s something wrong with yourself but you just don’t know what that something is. Like trying to find a missing contact lens dalam almari pakaian yang penuh bersepah dengan baju-baju yang dah sebulan terbiar macam tu je.

“You need to try harder.”

“You’re just lazy.”

“You can do this.”

“It’s okay to be hurt than to hurt others.”

You only start to care, when I’ve already spiraling down into madness. When everything has already happened. Why bother? When it’s just to relieve your own self guilt. To make yourself feel better. In the end, everything is about you. Never was about anyone else.

Human beings are all alone in the end.

They don’t even know that right now, I’m trying to survive in my own imperfect ways. That just breathing is already hard enough for me. The pain that I felt on my chest every time I woke up in the morning, with my demons sitting on my chest and my head filled with thoughts of you, of us. A story that never becomes a story, just plots with missing interconnecting lines.

the words that you can't confess

the feeling that you can't show

the awkwardness you try to hide

"I'm not good enough for her."

the insecurities that eating you up.

you want her

 and yet you're destroying yourself

with everything that you can't give.

Kill me.

I press the tip of a scissor on my neck. I can feel my carotid artery pulsating against the tip of the metal. If I put anymore pressure into the scissor, the skin might break; the tip will go straight for my artery and blood will be gushing out like water pouring from a pipe. I’ll be drowning in my own blood. What a terrible way to die. I can do this. I won’t mess up this time. I should at least be able to do this much instead of continue to waste away the oxygen. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and press…

“Woit… kau buat apa tu dengan gunting tu? Dah-dah. Jom pergi surau. Dah nak start solat dah pun.” Kedengaran suara K di balik pintu. Another one of his impulsive tendency.

…………….. *krik krik*

 “Okay. Kejap, tunggu aku.”

Gunting ditangan terus aku letak kembali atas meja dan langsung ambil wuduk sambil aku meraba bekas di leher.

“Katakanlah: “Wahai hamba-hambaKu yang melampaui batas terhadap diri mereka sendiri, janganlah kalian berputus asa dari rahmat Allah, sesungguhnya Allah mengampuni dosa-dosa semuanya. Sesungguhnya Dialah Yang Maha Pengampun lagi Maha Penyayang.” (Az-Zumar: 53)

You’re never alone.